I was taking a gander at some Shakespeare today when I realized that he made everything sound much more significant than it really was. I mean, you can take any Shakespeare quote and take it out of his words and it sounds, well, like crap. That was the beauty of Shakespeare. Read on to see what I mean.
Shakespeare: "Neither a borrower nor a lender be; For loan oft loses both itself and friend, and borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry" ~ From Hamlet
Translation: "Don't borrow or lend money. Whether you borrow or lend it, you will probably get screwed. Also, loans mess up the economy." (I am not sure on the last bit. He could have meant, "Loans make it harder to breed animals properly" or "Loans make it harder to get married.")
Shakespeare: "The lady doth protest too much." ~ From Hamlet
Translation: "God, she whines a lot." or "Her protestations lead me to believe that she is hiding something."
Shakespeare: "Brevity is the soul of wit." ~ From Hamlet
Translation: "If the joke isn't short, it isn't funny."
Shakespeare: "When sorrows come, they come not single spies, but in battalions." ~ From Hamlet
Translation: "When the going gets tough, it keeps getting tougher."
Shakespeare: "The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool." ~ From As You Like It
Translation: "It takes a smart man to know he is an idiot." (Notice how that one does not make any sense, though it sounds brilliant in Shakespearean. I know someone is going to say, but, but, he means . . . Yeah, I know what he is trying to say. It still means nothing, in a literal sense.)
Shakespeare: "Tempt not a desperate man." ~ From Romeo and Juliet
Translation: "Don't dangle crack in front of a crack head, unless you are willing to get beaten and robbed." or "It's not nice to bring beer to an AA meeting."
Shakespeare: "For you and I are past our dancing days." ~ From Romeo and Juliet
Translation: "We're old."
Shakespeare: "A plague on both your houses." ~ From Romeo and Juliet
Translation: "I hope both of you and both of your families die horrible deaths."
Shakespeare: "O my love, my wife! Death, that hath suck'd the honey of thy breath
Hath had no power yet upon thy beauty." ~ From Romeo and Juliet
Translation: "Even though I think you're dead, I still think you're hot."
Shakespeare: "Some rise by sin, and some by virtue fall." ~ From The Merchant of Venice
Translation: "How good of a person you are has no bearing on how successful you will be."
Shakespeare: "As he was valiant, I honor him; but, as he was ambitious, I slew him." ~ From Julius Caesar
Translation: "I liked him, but he was getting greedy, so I had to off him." (Sounds like a line out of The Sopranos.)
Shakespeare: "There's daggers in men's smiles."
Translation: "Just because he's smiling, does not mean he will not shank you."
All translations are my own. Be advised that I only speak limited Shakespearean, so don't expect this list to be relevant or useful. (Like how I saved that for the end?)